Saturday, October 22, 2011

Blue October...this book, my book

Why blue?  And how is it paired with the month?  Something to do with Emma's eyes (sorry, they've turned hazel!) ...Dodger blue ;0  And yes, Dodgers are definitely woven in to it, but I'm not necessarily referring to a color.

The month of October generally brings one thing to mind: Dad.  Dad's birthday is the 11th, and he went to heaven on the 22 - 5 years ago today.

Just thinking of this month during anytime of the year evokes so many feelings, and this year, for some reason, has been the most emotional since he passed.  Blue has been my overwhelming feeling this month.

On the first anniversary, Tyler wrote a great poem.  I have to re-share it:
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year,
There is so much we want to say,
About how much we’ve thought of you,
Each and every day.
We wish that you were here right now,
And that we could enjoy you still,
Watching you light the barbeque,
And burning (just right) hotdogs on the grill.
The memories that we have of you,
Are close to all our hearts,
To measure how much we miss you daddy,
Would show up off the charts.
It’s funny all the little things,
That make us think of you,
From toothpicks to Chinese food,
And especially Dodger blue.
If we could have one moment,
Or better how about two,
We would wrap our arms around you daddy,
And whisper We love you.

Just makes me cry every time I read it, especially now.  The more life goes on, the more I miss my dad.  I was talking to Tyler about it and it seems that, to everyone else around me, the more time has passed the more people are getting used to him being gone.  He's become pretty absent from conversations.  Just references here and there.  

I completely understand that, don't get me wrong.  That's what we need to do is pick up and carry on.  
Which, I obviously have.  

But for me, every step forward that I don't get to share with him continually reminds me that he's completely absent from it.  He didn't get to meet Tyler, he hasn't been able to see the joy that has since come in to my completely happy I am now. He didn't get to help us work on the house or move in.  He didn't get to see me pregnant, be there when Emma was born, and he doesn't get to see her fun faces or make her french toast for breakfast:)  What's more is that she doesn't get to experience her grandpa.  

He doesn't get to see that I finally got it, after all the times he said to me, "Connie, why do you work so much?" and get to see me be at home enjoying  a different kind of life.  I can't stop in and see him during the day, pick him up to take him to the grocery store, go out for chinese buffet (for an insanely large lunch), go to the Giants and Dodgers games each year.  

I know grief is a process.  Certainly can't just cry once and be all good forever and ever. I was told by a good friend of mine that grieving is like a book.  You pick it up and go through as much of it as you can, then, you close it and place it back on the shelf until the next time you have time to grab it.  I can honestly say that I know I've only gone through small portions of "this book".  I felt like I had to be good for my mom when it first happened, then I was moving forward with life and busy with work.  Now that we're more settled with Emma and I'm not working, I guess I'm finding more time to be able to embrace 'this book' at this stage in life.

I have had some great cries over the past few weeks. Good releases.

I can rest assured 'this book' will have many more cries, and other emotions as well as time goes on.  I'm so glad to have the Lord to rest in and be comforted by.  I'm learning to lean in to Him in a different way through our church's current theme and my perfectly (Godly) timed devotionals.  

Thank you for letting me share.  And for listening.

Let me remind you, if you know someone that has lost a loved one - talk to them about it. Ask a question.  Let the person know it's OK to talk/share openly.  I know it's a scary topic, but man does it make you feel better to not have it or the person feel forgotten.  And most likely, it's nice and freeing to share something: a thought, memory or just be able to speak freely about it.

1 comment:

Cathy/Nani said...

So very true. and ... people will talk to you about stuff that just brings your grief right back up to the for-front again.. and that's ok. because it is a process.Someone came in to work last week to tell me of a young mom who was scheduled for a C this week and on Thursday she couldn't get her baby to move.Finally went in and found out on Friday that she was stillborn. SOOOO very sad and immediately took me back to 1982 when our Cassie was born. Could feel all her thoughts and heartache. 29 years later. Don't think that person expected to have me crying at him. didn't know my story.BUT.. then these folks were on my mind a lot and I could pray for them. Memorial Service today. Very hard. SO don't feel badly when you feel bad. Grief is your process.. not someone elses. :)
It is right and ok to miss your dad like crazy. for all those reasons and more. You will miss him in Emma's life all through hers.
But remember to keep the JOY alive too.