Some of you have lent an ear (THANK YOU) to listen to how things have really gone down for Tyler and I over the past few months. Some of you got our new years TCBY that just says it was not-so-great lately. Well, if you're here, then you must love one of us (or all!) and so I will just let it out to let you better understand my surrender to the Lord.
Life in the Boyd household has, of course, changed since the arrival of a little beauty named Emma. The pressure of Tyler providing for us financially has increased, and the fact that his regular monthly salary doesn't cover all the bills has led us to taking on some side jobs. and by us, I mean Tyler. Not that I'm not willing. We actually had decided last year about this time that we'd launch our business full-force working together on projects. We like to work together and he can always clean up my projects nicely and I like to give my own tips/advice on his projects. and by projects I refer to design things. (Won't waste too many words on it, but if you're interested in seeing where we were trying to go, click here).
In the last year, however, the Lord has continued to make it very clear to me that He does not want me to focus on absolutely anything other than: Him, Tyler, Emma, Home. Every attempt at taking on a project (for me) has not ended well. It's my season to not plan or prepare, but sit back and let others take the lead in doing things. It took me a while to really really get this, but in November with my last attempt, it was like 'alright, I got it'.
Mainly, it was Tyler. Although we'd gone through a tough fall/winter last year with his travels required through work, we still felt that he should take up side jobs that seemed feasible (time-wise) that would assist in covering our finances. He (more so) took on a client last April-August doing task after task. and we're very grateful for the opportunity and cash it brought in. however, it led to lots of lonely nights for Em and I. Especially if Tyler had to work late at the office. it really limited our time together, and he was just plain tired after a day at the office and just the thought of tackling more computer/design/programming issues after dinner.
We decided to be more deliberate in praying for the Lord's will in taking on jobs after that point. We'd purposely planned September as an 'off' month so that we could enjoy that full month of family time before...October, when Tyler's travels would begin. Well...another opportunity came along. We did pray about it and did feel peace about it...but it has been much more time consuming, troublesome and exhausting than we could have ever imagined.
It has basically ended up being as thought he's working 2 full time jobs. As you can imagine, it's definitely effected our home and family life. It's left us with 1-2 hours or so of 'family time' in the evenings where Tyler's zoned/exhausted and basically has a spurt of energy to play with em and veg before going back to staring at the computer for hours.
I was wrestling with a lot of feelings about this. I'd keep being surrounded by people that have spouses that travel or work 2 jobs or work random hours and they seemed to be such wonderfully supportive and appreciative wives that I would basically end up beating myself up about how 'poor me' I felt and would just try to talk myself out of my feelings. It would work for a week, maybe, or a few days, but my weekly breakdowns were soon to be inevitable. I began to take up things around the house that were typically Tyler things, not expecting any input or help from him on anything 'home'.
I can already hear some of you saying 'well, yeah, if your man's working 2 jobs, suck it up and shut up.' well, girls, I've come to the place of realization that 1. we are not all created equal and 2. the Lord has given each of us (different) strengths. I do SO INCREDIBLY much appreciate all the hard work my man has been putting in to provide for our family. and i do realize it has made it possible for me to stay at home with emma. however...
after feeling like i didn't have a husband or house mate to share life with; feeling like i didn't have any support in any of my daily doings; feeling like a single mom with 2 to provide meals and a clean home for...then add a literal single-mom experience with our trip to florida and indiana (where Tyler was with us for 12 sporadic days out of 25)...it was just all that i could handle. and i had a HUGE breakdown...with tyler. i just couldn't hold it in anymore. i was praying, but I think the Lord's intention was not for me to feel and be so alone in things. It wasn't just home stuff...it was our marriage that was ultimately effected through this. feeling alone was in everything. we weren't putting any effort in to our marriage. we were like house mates sharing a roof and that was about it. it makes me so sad to even say that.
THAT is the place neither of us EVER thought we'd be. But we were. and we were, because we were relying on our own strength to build our marriage, not the Lord's. We were asking God for everything in every other area, but this one. the MAIN one. And you know Satan's out to wreak havoc on marriages because he can do so much damage by just cracking that one area. Booger.
After our 'rock bottom' and realization that we needed to get back to the basics. Basics of God. Basics of marriage. Loving and respecting one another. if we cannot put our marriage in our #2 slot of priorities, how do we expect the things that aer stemming from there to be OK?! ...and how easy is it to forget?
We've now had a month and a half to refocus our individual sets of eyes back on to the Lord...in ALL things. focusing on our marriage and on each other. I've been a much more appreciative and supportive wife this last month (thank you Jesus). much MUCH more understanding. The Lord has really opened my eyes to so much through this. ...too much to continue rambling on about.
...BACK TO THE SURRENDER... (sorry I'm such a rambler!)Through this all, I felt really hurt. I put my everything in to Tyler and I felt hurt by him not keeping us a priority (not that i had either and i realize that now, mind you). I had put up a wall and was keeping things at a distance so as to not, essentially, trust him again with all I'd trusted him with before...me. In the last week, the Lord's reminded me that
- I need to keep my trust in the Lord. he's got me in the palm of his hands.
- I need to put my husband in the palm of the lords hands as well (where the Lord keeps him) so that I can submit to my hubby and trust him to love me the way the Lord loves the church, and protect and care for.
- I need to forgive my husband (which I whole-heartedly have)
- I need to go back to #'s 1 and 2 above continually and allow the lord to guide us and take care of us through every step.
I've been so anxious about this week that Tyler will be gone. That it (all that's been restored) will go away. that He will be so wrapped up in work that I'll get left behind in the dust. I've been trying to find ways to be deliberate about things to stay connected and remind him we're here at home....then yesterday, listening to a song at church, it all finally sunk in...and here I am. With this ginormo ramble and (more) background (than you ever wanted) asking for you to pray along side us for our surrender to the Lord...knowing He'll take care of everything. ...hope this all has made sense to someone!!;0
....I pray that whatever is your current hang up, that you'll surrender too...
THANKS FOR YOUR PRAYERS
***BTW: we have finally gotten it that the Lord doesn't want either one of us taking on 'extra' things during this season in life. Once Tyler finalizes things with the current project (in about a month) we will be turning down any side work focusing only on his M-F, our family and just life. He's very clearly shown us we do not need to take part in side stuff to make ends meet; He will meet all our ends as we honor His direction in our lives, with God's math...that we all ultimately know makes more sense in the end.***