...CLEAR!

the above is the sound effect that came to mind when I thought of the title ;)  


AAHHHHHHHHH...I'm breathing again.  and it feels absolutely incredibly WONDERFUL.


SO...the happs with me over the past 2 months or so:  as you may have been able to tell by the couple of posts i have been able to throw up here (literally just toss up in a few minutes and I'm off to something else), I've been exhausted. Little Miss Emma started to fight naps and waking up 2+ times during the night.  It was the broken sleep that was putting me over.  In addition to having Tyler gone for 16 or so days within 30 :(  (yes, break out the violin to continue to read or bypass today all together if you're not interested :) ).  My thoughts are that Emma went through a growth spurt, she started to do new things (which I've read have an effect on their sleep patterns) had daddy gone too long which broke our daily routine and had company at home which also didn't make for 'routine' happenings - my mom stayed with us while Tyler was gone, then Nani and Popi came to visit Emma (maybe the rest of us too?!:) ) a few days after Tyler came back from round 2.


I thought I was having a 'rough time' waking up just once a night at about 4 am. :)  Ha.  That will teach me to not be content!! :)


Seriously though, what that sleep pattern did to me was just make me feel insane.  As many of you know, I have an autoimmune disease.  Tyler and I believe I have fibromyalgia, although I've never been diagnosed.  When I don't get a good amount of (consistent) sleep, my body/joints ache and hurt.  Tylenol has been my friend, yet hasn't been working too well.  But I can't take stronger stuff since I'm nursing.  In addition, I've still been 'dealing' with different stages of leaving my job, adjusting to being a mom and staying at home all day, and feeling overwhelmed in trying to have our home in order and care for Emma all day every day.  I would have a meltdown periodically, feel better and move forward, however, with how things have been recovery hadn't happened.  So I wouldn't get to feeling better before another came on.


THEN, the not good sleep factor has had me in a haze.  I would go through each day on automatic, but actually using my brain was not an option.  Maybe once a week, after a couple good nights of sleep (thanks to help!!) I'd feel great - like today! - then I feel like I'm on crack (I guess what I'd assume being on crack feels like) because my mind's actually working and there's so much I haven't been able to do during my hazes that I want to take advantage of my day and get stuff done.  Usually I stay up too late on a day like this, trying to get MORE done and that usually happened on a night that Emma didn't sleep well so then I was back where I started but worse because I wasn't completely 'better'.


When I think of my life vs others, I always tell myself to suck it up because I have it so much easier than so many (like this - sorry sister!).


I had been asking for our life group to pray for me since they'd get to see the zombie me.  Then a couple of weeks back during my Bible study I spoke up and asked for prayer which lead to a discussion and sharing time about some of the ladies that had experienced PPD.  I promised them I'd call my obgyn the next day to set up an appt -and I did. But the doc thought it sounded nothing like PPD and more like a mental health department issue.  I guess the tipper on that was feeling 'disconnected'  I told her that I would feel like I was in the middle and my world was spinning around me and all i could do was just sit there and it made my head hurt to watch it spin by me.


Last week, I had a turn around.  I was listening to a sermon on the radio and thought that I should be looking to what God is trying to teach me through this experience.  I had been praying for so much: sleep, patience, attitude adjustment, but never for others or what I was to get out of this.  During my awake times in the middle of the night I began to pour in to prayer for each and every one of you that came to mind.  I started to pray for myself differently, asking for the Lord to be my strength for each day asking for joy and peace in my heart.


I've also had some great encouragement from some friends and an appointment with a counselor last week, as well as my amazing husband waking up with Emma Saturday and Sunday mornings so that I could sleep in to the mid/late morning.


A few nights ago, Emma started to go back to her old sleep pattern of waking up at 3/4 am (after going to bed at 7/8) and I would stay up trying to get a jump start on my quiet time:)  This morning my break through came when I went back to bed instead and got some real rest waking up to Tyler getting in to the shower to go to work.  AHHH...I feel so refreshed today! My mind feels CLEAR!!  and a little crack-like just wanting to get so much accomplished :)  


In the midst of this all, we have tons of pics that we want to share with everyone, so I will be getting to that, but I'm thinking I will either be scheduling posts to go up periodically or I will just not post as often (I had tried to do 3xs a week) so as to spread the sane minutes in to different things I want to get done.


Now you know how to pray for me :)  And if you could pray for Emma's health - she's got a little chest congestion and cough (runny nose is gone), and for her continued progress with sleeping, that would be much appreciated!


Have an incredible day!